CONTACT REGISTRATION

READY TO JOIN THE ADVENTURE?

Think you're going to just fill out some forms and show up? Think again. We've got a few things to take care of before you get here.

First, we need to know who you are, what you're about and what your general "deal" is. But not using some bogus web form. We're going old school. You're going to send us a letter written on vellum, sealed with wax and delivered by man in a horse-drawn carriage.

Now, you're probably thinking, "Where the hell am I going to get vellum and a wax seal? much less a horse-drawn carriage?" followed by "What address should I use to send this letter to? Nothing is metioned anywhere about an address." Good thoughts! We're glad we put them in your head.

Let's start with the last point first. To get the address you're going to need to read everything on this site at least 5 times and then meditate on it for a few days. Done with that? Good. Now, you're going to need to take an ice cold bath for at least 5 minutes. Next, find some doves it doesn't matter what kind, as long as you have at least 3. Fuck! I messed up! Actually you need the doves before you take the bath. Ok, hopefully you didn't start the bath yet. If you did, well, you're going to need to start over. Take the doves in the bath with you. The doves can hang out on top of the bath, but you need to keep them with you. This won't be easy unless you bring a net or some plastic tarp to keep the doves from flying away. Now, while you are delusional and freezing and the doves are freaking out and trying to fly away in the little dome around your ice cold bath, start splashing and screaming "I need THE CODES YOU GOD DAMN LIARS OF THE SKIES!". Eventually, you'll get the codes from the doves (hint: they will coo in a way similar yet distinct from Morse code). Once you get this you know what to do next.

Now, for horse drawn carriage delivery, I have a person for this named "The Mailman" also known as Esteban. But he's my guy, you'll need your own person for this. I recommend using Craigslist.

Lastly vellum and wax, this is actually a pretty easy thing to do. Amazon sells both. You'll need to get a seal kit. The seal is a wax disk that you press into the wax seal kit. The kit has a clip on it that you can use to attach the seal to the letter. The kit also has a little hole in it that you can use to thread a ribbon through so it can be tied around the letter when it's sealed.

And now you're on your way! You're all set to send us your letter. Once we get it, provided everything is in order, we'll get you all signed up and you'll be on your way to the adventure of a lifetime! We will send a max of 2 responses to your letter to clear up any issues.

Also, don't try to magic us or we will magic you back 10 times harder. We are the magic, and also own a 10% stake in the Orlando Magic NBA team, so we are the real deal.