NerdCon

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PREPARING FOR THE PILGRIMAGE

Before embarking on your journey to NerdCon, there are several to dos one must complete:

  1. Registration: This can only be completed by a member of the Squirrel Council. If you are not a member, you can request an invitation by contacting the Squirrel Council. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REGISTER ON A WEDNESDAY. If you do, Matt will totally be thrown off his rhythm and you will be forced to listen to him play "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on the guitar for the next three hours.
  2. Packing Essentials: Bring at least three forms of government ID, preferably from different governments. Pack clothing for all weather conditions including but not limited to: sandstorm, swamp flooding, and "The Great Moistening" (an annual tradition we cannot legally elaborate on). Don't forget your toothbrush.
  3. Mental Preparation: Begin speaking exclusively in dice notation at least two weeks before the event. Practice phrases like "I roll to seduce the barista" and "I need to make a constitution saving throw against this hangover" in everyday situations. Scream this at people on the street. It's fun, and a good way to get your mind right.
  4. Acorn Collection: For reasons that will become clear during the grand dawn ceremony, please bring exactly 17 acorns. They must be gathered under a waxing gibbous moon while humming the theme from "Knight Rider." Store them in a container made of non-ferrous metal or some sort of ceramic material.

HOTEL ARRIVAL PROCEDURES

Upon arrival at the hotel, please observe the following protocols:

  1. Approach the front desk walking backwards while maintaining direct eye contact with the nearest fire extinguisher. This signals to our undercover staff that you are "one of us" and not an agent from one of the many organizations that have been trying to infiltrate the convention. If you are one of these agents, we already know who you are, and we have special plans for you. Ha ha ha ha, AH HAHAHA HA HAAAAA!.
  2. When checking in, use the code phrase "Shut the fuck up Roy Del, I'm trying to talk to the bitch at the front desk" to receive your special welcome package, which includes your badge, schedule, and a grab bag of shit we found in the parking lot.
  3. Hotel rooms are assigned based on a literal pecking order established by a chicken we secretly sent to your house a few weeks ago. Did you harm the chicken? I hope you did, you piece of shit.
  4. The elevator to the 13th floor only appears between 2:37 AM and 2:42 AM. Do not attempt to access it outside these hours unless you've completed the side quest in the hotel bar involving the one-eyed bartender and the mysterious blue drink.

GAME PARTICIPATION GUIDELINES

NerdCon gaming sessions operate under a proprietary system we call "Heermance Alignment Theory":

  1. Game Selection: Games are assigned by our proprietary algorithm which analyzes your credit score, the position of Mercury, and what you had for breakfast. Your game will probably be run by Rob, and it will likely be too complicated to explain in a few sentences. Just know that it will be fun, and you will face even odds of a horrible injury.
  2. Rule Interpretation: All rule disputes are settled via breakdance battle. Injuries sustained during the battle are not covered by insurance, but are considered a rite of passage and can be documented on your badge.
  3. Tournament Structure: Our tournaments follow a bracket system designed by a non-Euclidean mathematician during a fever dream. Winners receive glory, honor, and a mysterious key that doesn't appear to open anything.
  4. Special Events: The "Midnight Shirling" event takes place if adequate cobras are available. Otherwise, whatever snakes can be gathered in the area around the hotel will be released into the convention center and/or hotel. This is a good time to leave the building.
  5. Bathroom Breaks: We've lost bathroom privledges in most of the hotels we've stayed in, even in our own rooms. You can purchase or build a "Con Toilet" with Nathan's help, but use it cautiously. Otherwise, adult diapers are available for purchase at the merch booth (used ones at a discount).

FEAST AND FOOD GUIDELINES

NerdCon offers a variety of dining options to accommodate attendees throughout the convention:

  1. Breakfast: Breakfast is served in the hotel lobby from 7:00 AM to 10:30 AM. It consists of a variety of pastries, fruit, and coffee. Sometimes there is bacon and an omelette station. It's run by a witch though, so don't be a dick. She has crazy powers and a mean right hook.
  2. Lunch: Lunches will be ordered daily from a local restaurant, voted on by the attendees. Steve will be there to make sure you get your order right. If you go with Steve to pick up food, don't make a suicide if they have a open drink fountain. It's a childish thing to do and it makes Steve look like a fucking dipshit wrangler. Be classy. If you have to have a suicide, hire a homeless guy to pick it up.
  3. Dinner: Dinners will sometimes be ordered for pickup or delivery, in which case they follow the same rules as lunches. On some nights, we will travel to a local restaurant and eat there. Again, when this is the case, don't fuck with Steve's vibe. He's trying to maintain relationships with these restaurants, and you're just some asshole in a room full of assholes. Play it cool. Read the room. If you're not sure what that means, just remember that you're in a room full of assholes.
  4. Snacks: Snacks have been purchased by the con and are available in most rooms. Twin Snakes will be available after a successful Midnight Shirling (see above). Otherwise, specific snacks will vary based on what's available locally, or what we can find in cars with the doors left unlocked.

DEPARTURE PROTOCOLS

As all good things must come to an end, please observe these departure items:

  1. Room Cleansing: Before checkout, look around your filthy room and think about all the fun you had at NerdCon. Then, take a deep breath and say "Fuck this shit" while throwing all your shit out the window. If you're lucky, it will catch the wind and disappear into the distance, never to be seen again. However, it will probably land unceremoniously at the foot of the building, where it will be discovered by a janitor who will be forced to throw it away. Very sad.
  2. Badge Return: Your badge must be ceremonially burned in the hotel parking lot while chanting your Steam username backwards. This prevents the badge from becoming sentient and seeking revenge for its creation, abandonment, etc. WARNING: NEVER name your badge! No matter what the omelette witch says, it is a bad idea. It will very likely void this ritual. But, even if it doesn't, it causes the fire to emit a loud shrieking sound and explode, which is a total bummer.
  3. Memory Wipe Option: For an additional fee of $49.99, our staff can help you forget select portions of the con. Popular choices include "Midnight Shirling," "Whatever Happened in Room 237," and "The Great Moistening Aftermath."
  4. Re-entry to Society: We recommend a 72-hour decompression guide to help you reintegrate into society. Begin by disrobing and running through the closest wooded area naked, yelling "I'm a nerd!" and "I'm a nerd!" for a few miles. After doing this 3-4 times, find a quiet corner in a coffee shop where you can rock back and forth and try to remember what normal people do.

Remember, what happens at NerdCon stays at NerdCon, partly due to our strict confidentiality policy and partly due to the localized temporal anomaly that makes certain memories impossible to retain in the outside world.

See you next year!